What's My Line Again?
by Alice Glows
Summary: The Wizard of Oz made it seem so easy... all Dorothy had to do was click her pretty red heels together and wish for home...
1. Day One

How can I possibly find the right words to properly explain, to tell the tale of how I came to be here, without sounding like a crazy woman? Here, in the sunny land of Sunakagure? _Suna_, of all places. A land that should not exist, except among printed paper and in the moving stories of films. And yet, here I was. Here I _am. _The words I had uttered, all in jest...could they truly have worked? Could they truly have found some sort of power, among the verbs and vowels, so plain and normal?

I stood now before the huge wood - solid wood, mind you, and heavily warded- gates of the village. How did this happen? It was not real, the words were _not real!_ And yet, unless I was suddenly and completely insane, and my eyes saw nothing but tricks, the it was real. The thick wood gates, the huge, ominous sand walls climbing up to a good 50+ feet on either side of me... it was even more breathtaking in person.

I fell to my knees. The sand was cool on my bare knees. The sun was in the process of setting, on the opposite side of the village, so I was blanketed in the cold shadow. I shivered. My brain was still trying to accept what was around me, what had happened. _Shock_, I thought numbly as I fell fully to the grainy ground, losing control of myself. _It must be shock..._ Despite this brilliant revelation, I found I had no further control of my body than before. My body began to shake, starting with my legs and working up to my stomach, chest, and arms. It was violent, and painful, and yet I couldn't stop myself. My teeth clattered together. "HUUUUUUUUHAAAAAAAA..." I tried to suck in the oxygen my brain badly wanted, but found myself hyperventilating so badly, I just couldn't. "HHHHUUUUUUHHHHHS...UUUUUUUHHHHS..."

Vaguely, I registered what I thought were voices. _Human voices. Of course human voices. What other voices to be... Would... To be... There... here... here..._

* * *

_..."_Ehs dluohs eb enif..."

"...tsuj llams..."

"...amuart..."

More voices. But they made no sense. Gibberish... Asian-sounding, but gibberish... Japanese?

I coughed, eyes still closed. The one cough quickly turned to hacking. I was so thirsty! I felt like I was choking on the raw dryness that was my mouth and throat! "HUUUUUUUUUUU!" Gasping an awful, long, and shuddering breath, I rolled violently from the bed, panicking. Hands grabbed me, rough and calloused, and shoved me back onto the bed. Well, it seemed like a bed. It was soft, but not so welcoming considering my throat felt like the inside of a dry oak-tree.

"Retaw!" Someone was shouting, and suddenly my head was forced back, cracked lips opened - again by force - and water was poured gently in. There is way to describe the nearly euphoric feel of cool, clean _WATER_ flowing down your throat, coating your mouth, after nearly dying of dehydration. Well, nearly dying is a bit of an exaggeration, but it certainly felt like it at the time. Whomever was holding the cup began pouring too much now, and I began to choke once more, this time on the very thing I'd been choking to have before!

The cup was yanked away. A hand, calloused yet gentle, wiped the spilled water and spit from my chin. "Shhhhhh..." They hushed me gently. I took another shuddering breath, and opened my eyes, with some difficulty. Blinking rapidly, the room slowly came into a blurred, and then clear, focus. Hovering above me was a man, not young but not old either. He had a round face, half covered by a white mask. His eyes, warm and black, smiled when he caught my stare. "Os, erouy evila, huh?"

My mouth forms an odd little 'O', opening and closing as I struggle to find a proper way to respond to someone I don't even understand. Open and closed, open and closed. Then finally, "Pardon...? What?"

The man's warm eyes frown then, and he turns to his right, shouting indistinguishable orders at someone. A small pen-light appears, and suddenly he is forcing my eyes open with his fingers, and shining the light into them with the other hand. Pain sears through my eyes and skull at the sudden, unwanted light. I shove the light away, pushing against his hands as he tries to force me back into lying down. "NO!" I screamed then. "Let me go! No!" Struggling against a man very obviously stronger than I, I continue screaming, clawing, hitting. Anything to get away. This isn't real. This isn't real. _This isn't real..._

A sharp twinge at the back of my neck.

The blackness once more.


	2. Day Two

I awoke once more, although this time, there was none of the horrible dry pain I'd felt before. Oh, there was still plenty of blinding confusion, denial, anger, depression, and pure undiluted _fear_. Oh yes, _plenty_ of fear. The kind of fear no one can truly know and understand until they have been pulled away from everything they know. My brain and body was on full red alert, and no matter how many times I tried desperately to calm down - I _know_ this world, after all, don't I? - it refused. Everything was new and different; The air and oxygen itself was cleaner and crisper, and stung my polluted lungs and throat with each clean breath. The sounds around me, and outside this room, were new and foreign and overwhelming. I could hear bits of random conversations - all in the strange Japanese-like language the man had spoken - and feet running, food cooking... But no cars.

Of course, everyone who watches Naruto knows there are no cars in Suna. There may be some in other, distant villages, but not in Suna. Despite this prior knowledge, my brain was having trouble accepting the new, strange quiet that came with no automobiles rumbling up and down the streets. For twenty-two years, I'd known the soft rumble of cars, trucks, semis, buses... Even when hiking in the mountains with my family, the distinct rumble was always present, just a tad softer. My body was having trouble accepting the loss of all the sounds and smells that had been ripped from its blood-pumped data banks, and was trying desperately to _reject_ the new foreign sounds while at the same time trying desperately to _accept_ them. This makes no sense to most, I'm sure, but you have to understand, at this point I was in pure denial. It is one thing to dream and write of just..._falling_ into a new universe, a new story. It is an entirely other to have this actually happen. There is no excitement, no thrill. There is fear, and confusion, as your body, such a great testament to the strength of humans when in unpredictable situations, tries to adapt, while your brain and emotions refuse to. It becomes a sudden internal war, WIII inside your own mind and body. A violent push and pull of new knowledge and tumult of emotions.

_Is this real...?__ Could it really, truly be...?_

Groaning, I sat up slowly. Very slowly. "Ouch." The pain was not entirely gone, I soon discovered. _Breathe...just breathe..._ Looking around the room I was currently being stored in, I found it to be not unlike any hospital room from my world. Crisp blue sheets, standard plastic blinds covering the window, stale-looking white walls and a cold, unwelcoming grey tile floor. As I sat up more fully, the sheet fell to my lap. Cold hospital air hits my shoulders and breasts, and I quickly realized my clothes are missing. Well, of course they are. I _had_ been out rolling in the sand during my little episode. But they could have at least left me a paper-gown. Unless... maybe those did not exist here? _Best take a look around the room and see..._ Swinging my feet over the side, I gingerly touched the floor with one probing toe.

COLD! Cold, cold, cold!_  
_

The toe withdrew quickly, back into the warmth of the blue sheet. Clutching the cheap fabric to my chest, hands in uncertain fists, I called out tentatively, "...Uh...hello...?"

No answer.

More of this unnerving quiet and foreign tidbits of hear-by conversations.

"Hello?" I called, louder this time. My voice, tinged with uncertainty, echoes gently in the cold room. A deep, primal fear grips at my heart, and I lurch from the bed suddenly, sheet still clutched to my chest and dragging along. Lunging for the window, I yanked the plastic blinds aside. It was bright outside, cheery, and busy. People milled about down below, chatting and laughing together. Children ran rampant, getting underfoot, much to the ire of the shopkeepers and customers.

It was as though nothing had changed.

In every stupid fiction I'd read before, the main cheese of the story always arrived with a flourish, a bang, an _entrance._ people took notice, important people. The main people from Naruto always showed up, befriended them.

So where was everyone?

Why did my entrance seem so...puny and unnoticed?

Even the fact that I clearly spoke a different language than them did not seem to faze them too much. Well, I assumed it didn't, seeing as I was alone in an unbarred, unlocked hospital room. Pain welled in my chest, a more emotional pain this time. What had I done? Shoving the blinds back, I looked at the room again. Was I expected to stay here...or...?

Gripping the sheet tightly, I decided it was not very likely I could just walk from a hospital full of ninja and it go unnoticed. Plus, I was kind wearing nothing but a hospital sheet... With a dejected sigh, I moved back to the now cold bed and plopped back down. Fear still clung to my body. Wiggling about like a parasitic worm. Wasn't I supposed to be happy? I was here! Where I'd always dreamed of being!

So why was I so sad?

I closed my eyes then. I was so tired. I desperately wanted to cry, but no tears came. I desperately wanted to be happy, but I couldn't be. Why was I so damned unhappy?! My breathing slowed to a steady, unhappy rhythm, and I was quickly taken by the in by the welcoming arms of sleep.

* * *

I was awoken much later, by the kind-eyed man who I assumed was my doctor. He smiled soothingly, murmuring unintelligibly. "Eruoy etiuq ykcul. Gnieb tuo ereht tnsi efas. Mrots gnimoc..."

I blinked sleep from my eyes, groaning a semi-delirious response.

The man continued smiling, speaking despite the fact he knew very well I did not understand. "Lew, noos uoy liw eb elba ot og emoh. tsuj hsiw ew wenk erehw ruoy 'emoh' is." His tone was kind and gentle. He could have been very handsome, truly, if not for the odd cloth mask and giant, fierce-looking scar running from top right corner of his nose up into his hairline. His hair, too, was covered, by a long white cloth of the same material and secured by a Suna headband. I could not make out his age, but if I'd had to guess, I would have assumed early thirties.

"Mhhhmm..." My eyes fluttered shut again, and darkness once again took me.

* * *

It was early evening when I was once more forced into the world of the walking. It was the doctor again, but this time he had someone with him. They stood at the foot of my bed, whispering to each other. The man moved his arms rapidly as he spoke to the young woman in front of him. I squinted. It was only now that I realized my glasses were missing, and I was still as blind as a bat here as I had been in my world. Just my luck...

The woman was short and stocky, young with plump pink cheeks and frowning black eyes. They glanced at me every so often, either not knowing or not caring that I was awake and could hear them. Well, 'hear' was to be used loosely. I could not understand a word of it! I shifted to a more comfortable position, making a soft sound and closing my eyes. Why was I so tired? _In all of those other... always jump right... story... Suna... Gaara..._

And cue the blackness of sleep once more.


	3. Night Two

First_** off, I would like to say thank you to my few faithful readers. I know this tale isn't to everyone's particular tastes.**_

_**We want excitement!**_

_**We want battle, and glory!**_

_**We want to meet the ninja of the Naruto world we so deeply care about!**_

_**But... I'm tired of those fictions. Now, do not get me wrong, I LOVE a good OC-insert where they marry and pop out millions of mini Sasukes, but... what about the reality? Yes, it is a fictional, much loved anime, but I rarely see a good piece of work that has more reality in it than fiction and dreams.**_

_**And THAT, my dear reader, is what this will be. It shan't be a tale of gaining random ninja powers and running off into the sunset with an OOC Gaara... This, my friends, shall be a slow, sometimes boring, realistic view of what i believe life would be like for a normal, every-day Joe (or in this case, Joedette) who has appeared in a world full of** ninja..._

* * *

It was dark when I was awoken once more by the doctor. The hospital room light was turned dim, and what little I could see through the plastic blinds covering the window was black as well. I looked up at him blearily, surprised to be woken so late. Aren't hospitals supposed to let patients sleep through the night? Yawning, I stretched mightily. My bones creaked, muscles groaned, having been unused for however long I'd been here. Once I'd stretched and contented my sore muscles with a bit of movement, I looked up at the man. He stood at the foot of my hospital bed, looking patiently down at me His eyes were warm and friendly still, but there was a bit of caution now added to them, as well as a twinge of worry. "Aaaaaah, esir dna enihs, ypeels daeh! Uoy teg ot og emoh yadot!" The man frowned. "Lew, emoh htiw em dna ym ylimaf..." He dropped a bundle of cloth into my lap. I looked at it wearily. It looked like clothes -_real clothes!_ - but was he expecting me to just get up and change in front of him? And just as well...did this mean I was now allowed to just leave as I pleased? Explore Suna? The _real_ honest-to-God Suna? A new mixture of excitement and fear raced through my veins, making my body hot and prickling with anxiety.

I looked up at him inquisitively. I'd never been very good at reading expressions and body language, to which I owed my major lack of a social life. But add that to him being a foreign _ninja_? I could not even hope to read what he wanted me to do. Gingerly, clutching the sheet to my naked chest and shoulders, I reached with my free right hand and grasped hold of the bundle of fabric. It was soft, but not expensively so. A cheap cotton, I would have to guess. Unrolling it, more pieces rolled out with it. Giving the man a second confused and weary glance, I looked through the cloth. The first major item appeared to be a long casual out-door robe. It looked a bit like a more feminine version of a yukata, in a soft, faded grey with lovely little pink and yellow flowers sewn in all over. It was probably cheap as hell, but to me at the time, it was the loveliest thing I'd ever been offered. Along with that was a thick pink cloth which I assumed was the tie to the pretty robe. It was faded and a bit worn in some places, but again I did not care. It was beautiful in my eyes. My first real clothes in this new and wondrous world!

Setting these two items aside, I then lifted a second cloth. It was a long bandage-looking thing! Odd... what was this for? Was I injured and didn't know it? Lifting it high with the one hand, my left still keeping my chest covered - although to be really honest, there wasn't much there anyways to need covering - I let the bandage-like thing unroll. It was not very long, but long enough that the man had to grab the end before it rolling off the bed. He held it between two fingers, his thumb and index, and held it away from his body. His face - what was visible behind the white loose mask - was flushed, and I could see laughter in his right eye, the only visible eye. The scar trailing from his eye to his hairline was crinkled slightly, as though his hidden brow were furrowed.

What was so weird about the bandage...oh..._oh... _Didn't the women of this world wrap a cloth bandage around their chests, instead of bras, to keep the girls from bouncing and getting in the way? _Crap..._ I was frozen then, unsure of how to react. I mean, I had just unrolled my damn boob-holder in front a complete stranger, and a man no less! My face flushed a deep red, not a very hard feat considering my extremely fair Irish skin. Humiliation flushed through my body, making it hot again. "Uuuuh...right. Sorry..." Yanking it from his grasp, she stuffed it under the robe.

He chuckled, seeming to understand. Patting the bed twice, he began to make his way to the door. Turning back to me in the doorway, he smiled again. "Teg desserd." Pointing to the bundle of clothing on my lap, he said slowly, as if speaking with a particularly dumb child, "Serd. Uoy."

Though I could not understand the words, I obviously understood the meaning behind them; put the damn clothes on. Once he was gone, and the door safety shut behind him, I waited a moment longer, listening for more footsteps. When none came, I swung my feet over the side of the bed and gingerly placed them flat on the cold floor. The tile was smooth and unforgiving in its icy quest to suck the heat from my feet and legs. Sitting up, I stretched my sore, unused muscles. Bones and joints cracked and creaked. Gosh, I was becoming an old broad already. Standing up fully after my nice stretch, I turned my body to grab the clothes and nearly fell! My legs were angry with me for having not used them in a few days straight. Almost like hardened but still wiggly jello.

_Talk about a gross comparison..._ Grimacing at myself, I decided to take it slow. Sitting back onto the bed, legs and feet danging over the side, I decided to start with the weird boob-bandage. Leaning back on one arm, I twisted my upper body and grasped hold of the thing. It was on the other side of the bed, and I would rather not attempt standing again to get it. Dragging it to my lap, I took a moment and just looked at it. There were no clasps, nor any ties for it in sight. So...was I expected to just, well, _wrap_ it around the twins and it stay? Frowning at this predicament, I lifted the thin cloth up. Letting the sheet drop to the floor, I held it tightly to my chest. Well, as bad things go, this certainly could be worse. My chest was small anyways, so there wouldn't too much of hassle bandaging it up, I hoped...

Starting by tucking one end under my left armpit, I tucked it in - and simultaneously discovered I could use a shower - and began wrapping it round and round. It went all the way around two-times before ending in my back. I struggled with it for a good three or five minutes, trying to tuck the end in without the rest unraveling. After a good deal of straining my arm muscles and nearly breaking my back, not to mention a few cringe-worthy words, I finally had it in place nice and tight.

Well, with that task done, the hardest was over. I hoped... I did not think I could handle bandage undies as well...

The rest turned out to be much easier to manage. A pair of soft, worn pants went on next, which i assumed was their version of underwear - or maybe he forgot to bring some? - went under the pretty cotton robe. I fiddled with the robe sides a bit, trying to decide if it should close with the right flap under the left, or vice-versa.

I finally decided on left over right.

My greatest achievement since arriving here in Suna...

**_KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK_...**

Startled at the sudden banging, I lurched forward and fell to my knees roughly. "Uuuh-oow!" Grunting, I dropped my head to the floor. Despite the fall being embarrassingly short, my weak body had taken the fall hard. Especially my knees... "Ooow...fuck..." The clatter of a clipboard could be heard, as well as fast approaching feet. Hands grabbed me, lifting me to a semi-standing position. "Era uoy la thgir?" It is the doctor. His face is full of concern. "Dluohs ton evah edkconk os ylduol..."

I brush him away. Good God, looking at me, you would think I was some weak little pampered princess.

Well, I _was_, wasn't I? Not a literal princess but... I suppose life in the real world had really been very cushy. It's the one thing I had not really thought much about. What is life for a pampered, spoiled civilian like here...? No more PC and HDTV, that's for sure... I could already feel that itch under my skin, that familiar twitch of my fingers. They wanted to fly across a keyboard, wanted to be deep in battle with the opposite faction, healing and dispelling...

_GOOD GOD. I AM HOPELESS!_ Angry with myself, push the doctor's hands away when he tries to check for injuries. _I'm in the damned NARUTO WORLD, and all I can think about is how scared and afraid I am? And how much I want my PC? _

I was going to be dead before I knew it...


End file.
